I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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