My friends, they love my intelligence
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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