Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
