dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
