Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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