My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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