Your mouth is God's brothel.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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