Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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