Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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