why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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