Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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