Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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