I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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