is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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