So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
