I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
