you turned your livingroom into a bong?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
