Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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