My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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