I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
