It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
