Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
