I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
