just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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