I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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