I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
