I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Randomize
