There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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