im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
