I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
