puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
