I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
