I feel like I'm in dance class right now
She announced her abortion via fbk
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
