I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
it hurts more in the daytime
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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