I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
