I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize