2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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