I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize