I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
