he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
