so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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