I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
