Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
