I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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