btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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