1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
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