Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
