Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
