I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
