Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
