I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
