On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
