i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
