I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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