Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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