You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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