1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
