im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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