woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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