I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
