Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just forgot I was standing up.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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