Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize