i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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